General silliness

I"m not feeling very spiritual today. Frantic, stressed...more accurate descriptions right now. Caught in the whirlwind of trying to get everything done that needs to be done (never mind what I want to be done), even feeling anxious about needing to find time to read! I have a stack of reasearch books, a stack of non-fiction that looked interesting, several books on spiritual growth and a half dozen or so novels I'd like to find time to relax with.

If I had time to think about it, I'd think it was the silliest problem I'd ever heard about. The reading. Not the rest of it, "it" in this case just being a lot of stuff going on that spiritually and mentally I know the remnants of some shifting patterns, but emotionally is one big test in trusting the universe.

So I haven't wanted to post, because somewhere along the line I created the idea that reallly, why bother if you're not going to be perfect every day? You know, like everyone else is. Of course I'm not perfect, but more importantly, I'd forgotten that the whole point is to bring attention to the changes in my life I'm making, the manifestation of the change in focus. It's not like I woke up one morning to this new world full of spirit and well-being that I'd never known existed--I've spent decades wondering why the hell I wasn't getting my act together and incorporating all the things I knew into a lifestyle that worked for me (the old one clearly wasn't working). Not that it's an excuse, falling back into old habits of pessimism and worry and looking for the easy way out (darn that magick wand for not working the way they promised). But it is a reminder.

This morning on the cushion, my brain wouldn't shut up. It might have been the shortest meditation on record. Some of the things pushing at the edges of my consciousness are steps I'm not quite ready to take, but one thing I realized (and this time I mean it): if I keep trying what I already know doesn't work, that's just stupid. And what's the line I heard recently? "Don't get stuck on stupid"? So it seems kind of silly to worry about making the changes that I know will work, just because a part of me is still worried about whether I'm living up to other people's expectations instead of my own.