The more I thought about last night's Facebook comment (on the Conscious Sanity page), the more I felt like I needed to expand it. The post was this: Thinking about forgiveness today, and how new people coming into our lives sometimes give us a chance to heal old wounds by allowing us to address situations without the same emotional baggage.
Or, at any rate, we can allow them to. So part of this, perhaps, is the value of meditation, and becoming present in other ways. But back to forgiveness....
If you are used to holding on too tightly, forgiveness can be challenging. Sometimes it can feel like you're being a victim all over again, just thinking about it (a sure sign you haven't forgiven or let go of anything!). Sometimes, something truly horrible happened--even if it was only an instant in time; sometimes it was something that went on for years--and it can feel like forgiveness means, somehow, that the behavior was okay.
None of the above. Forgiveness is an act of compassion toward yourself, as well as the other person. And I think that when we set ourselves on a course of becoming present in our lives, of opening up, that we close down in a hurry when something happens to remind us of how we hurt in the past. So when we feel that we need to figure out this forgiveness thing, it's a sign that we're healing on a deep level, because we're saying it's time to let go of that, too--if we only could figure out how! Too, the things that need forgiven vary widely from person to person--perhaps the act to be forgiven was something like a parent who demanded you choose a particular career. To one person (probably someone who didn't have that demand made), that may not be important. To the person who found their soul's purpose at odds with their life for decades on end, it's huge, and mixed up with a boat load of other emotions, including the need to forgive oneself for "giving in."
Sometimes, forgiving cannot include the words "I forgive you," either because the person is unavailable, or because you just don't want to be face to face with them. I disagree with the premise that you must somehow get the words out (such as in a letter). In fact, I think the words are unnecessary, although if you feel they are absolutely necessary for you, then by all means use them. But forgiving is a release, and I think release is NOT triggered, or completed, by facing down someone you don't want to face. What does trigger or complete it is a simple letting go of the emotional baggage you've been carrying, and turning the energy toward something more useful to you at this time. Certainly the pain and anger were useful to you once, but if you're thinking about it and struggling with how to forgive, you're ready to let go.
To be continued....but for now, consider this: when someone or something comes into your life in the present, do you react as you've always reacted? Or can you take a moment and a step back, and ask yourself if perhaps they're there for your healing?
I think, certainly, that situations recur (or similar ones) for our healing/evolving. I'm facing a reminder of loss just now. In a previous relationship, through what I came to consider a lack of regard for me, I experienced several losses. They were both material and sentimental in nature: graduation and wedding presents, furniture (a piano, antiques, art prints, etc.), and a home. And now, although I can certainly see the practicality of making more sensible choices, sometimes I react like a sulky kid, wanting to have what I want to have, when my husband says he thinks we should pass up a purchase because we have more important places to use the money. It was my money, so why can't we buy that superb quality, greatly reduced and barely used sauna unit we have an opportunity to buy? (I'm beginning to wonder if holding on--as addressed in previous post--somehow weaves itself into this, creating a broader issue I need to deal with?) I am no longer in victim mode, or am I in this instance falling back into it? If the feeling is recurring in order for forgiveness to happen, then it is on a larger scale than just forgiving an individual for an event or events. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteThe answer to "I'm mad" (or I'm hurt, or whatever) is to sit with it. This leads to two things, which are actually part of the next couple of posts--one going up later today: the first is being willing to dig into it (aka analyze), to ask yourself what is going on, really. Is it actually a need to feel nurtured (getting what you ask for), or perhaps resistance to someone else having the "control" (whether or not that is really what's happening is beside the point)--that is, re-reacting to a loss of decision-making power that hurt you in the past. "No one can tell me what to do," in other words. The second option is to REALIZE that you're re-reacting, regardless of cause, locate the feeling in your body, and simply breathe into it (as with tonglen practice). Feel the constriction of "not getting" and breathe expansion into it, feeling it release. You can do the same on the Tennessee situation, too--breathe in the grief, anxiety, etc, and breathe expansion and release into it.
ReplyDeleteLorena