But how does this happen? Well, I can't say, exactly, what triggers complete forgiveness except practice. For me, every act of forgiveness has been a one-off. I can let go of some things--most things--immediately. Deeper wounds exist for all of us, though, unless we've already gone through the process or are somehow blessed beyond the norm. It has been part of our human experience. But the point at which I know I've released it (whatever it is) is when it crosses my mind, and I can't conjure up the pain. The process, to one degree or another, involves giving love and compassion--not just to that person, but to myself, and to others--the nice thing about compassion and love is that feeling them toward one person aids you in feeling them to all.
But .... okay, let's take a really tough example: a child who grew up in foster care under the worst possible circumstances. This was not my experience, so I freely admit I'm imagining how bad it can be. I can also imagine how hard it could be to forgive all the people who may have hurt that child--from the parent who abandoned them, to all the people who weren't there to do what adults are supposed to do (protect, nurture, model, etc), to all the people who WERE there, and the things they did. Wow. How do you forgive that?
I think, perhaps, you start with realizing that forgiveness is NOT the same as saying that what happened was okay, or had a purpose, or was a lesson you asked to learn, or anything like that. You do have to get to a place where you understand that, like it or not, everyone is doing the best they know how to do. Really. But you don't have to agree with their actions, and you certainly don't have to condone them. Nor, as I mentioned earlier, is there any inherent need to confront the person you're trying to forgive, or to try to make them feel better. In fact, maybe part of your process includes a career choice that changes that scenario so it doesn't hurt anyone else.
At its heart, whatever the process includes, forgiveness embraces both selfishness and unselfishness at the same time. Selfish, because forgiveness is about YOU. It's about you moving on, releasing the weight of the pain, giving yourself the opportunity to NOT be a victim. Failing to forgive is all about claiming victimhood. Kind of makes you cringe when you view it that way, doesn't it?
Unselfish, because to do it, you have to embrace compassion and understanding. As you release the weight of the past from you, you're also releasing THEM from it. This may or may not matter—one lesson I learned during a particularly difficult forgiveness process was that the other person may not realize there's anything to forgive. And that's when you realize that the need to confront may be less about forgiveness than it is about ego. If you can let go first of the need to let the other person know you forgive them, that's huge as well. And if that realization brings up anger, go ahead and sit with the anger. Sit with whatever feelings come up. But sit with purpose.
(to be continued with what comes next)
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