The Bucket List

No, not jumping into movie-mode again. Talking about "the list."

There's this pop psychology trope that runs along the lines of "if you knew you were dying tomorrow, who would you call, what would you say, and why aren't you doing it today." Not getting into that, because seriously, I think knowing you're dying tomorrow lets loose a whole lot of restrictions that might make you act in an otherwise bad-idea way. And besides, we'll discuss this "live like you're dying" idea another time. Where I'm going with this is that this idea of acting because eventually you will die shows up frequently, and it sometimes takes the form of "the bucket list" (what do you want to do before you kick the bucket). And that's okay, as long as you don't get hung up on the form of it or start counting.

Because, here’s the thing….you gotta DO the stuff on the list, or what’s the point of the self-realization?


Bucket lists are good for one thing, at least—defining, clarifying, what’s really important. In Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles, one of the steps is to make that list: 100 things I want to do, see, experience, etc. before I die. Does anyone ever actually get to 100? That's what I mean by getting hung up on the form. Regardless, I did this exercise about five years ago and dropped a time-consuming, expensive hobby because of it. Not ONE of the things on my list had anything to do with the hobby that was taking up several weekends a year, time creating things to go with the hobby, money spent going to events that were centered around this hobby, and so forth. And I didn’t care enough about it to have any achievement related to it on my list of 100 things to do before I die…a list that topped out somewhere around 60, and I was including titles of books I wanted to write!

As long as you're thinking about exploding this year into the record books by finally finding (if necessary) and living your passion, go ahead and make that list. Challenge yourself to come up with 100 items, but remember, it's okay if you can't find that many. After all, "find a cure for cancer" only takes up one line, but it would be a hell of a thing to get done.

New Year, new plans

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.  Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~ Ellen Goodman

The new calendar year is a good time to set new plans / goals of your own in motion; you know, take advantage of the momentum created by everyone thinking, talking, and doing the same thing. Of course, when other appropriate times for reevaluation come up (more on this over the next several months), putting things off UNTIL the new year is just making excuses and giving in to fear or complacency.

As promised, today and tomorrow I'm going to drop in here an article (in two parts) I wrote for my company newsletter. It's pretty standard goal-setting information, but hopefully you can glean something helpful from it...and feel free to leave questions in the comments section.


New Year’s Resolutions: Making a list and checking it twice?


It’s like an annual curse we visit on ourselves: we make our new year’s resolutions, then follow it up with the promise that Santa’s also “making a list” to check up on us.

Never mind that Santa is just as mythological a figure as the successful new year’s resolution (that is, the odds seem to be against his/its existence, although there are claims to the contrary).

The numbers: 40 to 45% of American adults make one or more resolutions each year. Top resolutions include weight loss, quitting smoking, saving money, and paying off debt. After six months, fewer than half the people making resolutions are sticking to the plan. And yet, the same studies show that people making resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don’t explicitly make resolutions.

Okay, maybe a slightly-less-than-half rate of adherence isn’t all that bad. But how can you up YOUR odds of being one of the successful ones?


What would I do over?

First, psychologists say to recognize that what you’re doing is making a change. Duh. You knew that, right? But it seems a lot of us act as if change happens to us, not by us. Change is hard. It requires the repetition of the new behavior many times before the change is set—perhaps six months down the road. We get set in the old behavior. It’s comfortable to us, and even if we know it’s not good for us, even if we really, really want to do something different, it’s tough to create that new pattern of behavior.

Second, some suggest that looking deeper than the behavior you’re changing can help. For example, say you want to quit smoking. One way to look at it is all the good things you’re creating in your life by dropping that habit. Another way is to think of it this way: what do I want to be different? One psychologist uses this with clients about to undergo plastic surgery, because it really targets the motivation. Back to smoking. What do I want to be different? Or, as Miller does with her clients, what do I wish were different from my past? Did you start smoking to be cool, as so many high schoolers do? Stress relief? If those are still valid desires, can you replace the smoking with healthier options? (Yoga is very trendy, and accomplishes both at once! And I can guarantee you, you can’t smoke and do a hot yoga practice at the same time, what with the whole breathing thing.)

Navel-gazing not for you? Think about things you’d like to be doing, and why, and how they do or do not fit in with what you’re doing now.

Take some time over the next few days--just a break from the holiday bustle--to think about where you'd really, really like to be this time next year. Tomorrow, we'll jump into some tips for successful goal setting and achieving.

Do your priorities match your life?

Do your priorities match? While you're thinking about that, let me follow up on yesterday's topic.


When we consider whether other people's priorities are running our lives, we're not talking about being selfish (necessarily). Others' priorities and others' well-being are not the same thing (and we'll talk about those another day). What I'm talking about is when our obligations to other people do not benefit us and perhaps hinder us. Even when they don't reach the height of George Bailey's problems.

For example: are you stuck with other people's stuff? I am ... oh, boy. I have, for example, some antique furniture. It was my grandmother's (it's not very antique: early 20th century). Fortunately, I love this furniture. But still, I feel like it isn't mine. I can't just sell it or give it away if I don't want it. It's a legacy. Perhaps you're storing something for a friend or family member. Done that, too. Here's where it gets tricky. They gave it to you because THEY didn't want to get rid of it (perhaps it's their legacy stuff). They're just shuffling their burden off to you. Now you can't get rid of their stuff, and they don't have to worry about it. Other instances: you volunteer to watch a friend's kids so she can get some alone-time. Then you do it because she asks. Can you say no? Or do you put aside whatever your plans were because "they're not important" and answer to your friend's convenience? Because you know what? It may be just that—a convenience. You're free, so she doesn't have to find a babysitter at $15 an hour. She doesn't have to schedule her plans for another time (because you did).

Why does this matter? It matters if—and only if, because really, it's not a bad thing to help out friends—you never get around to what's important to you, because what's important to others has become your only priority.

Got it? When you take home extra work that can wait until Monday, or if you freelance, you take on a project not because it meets your goals, but it makes it easier on the client, when you tell someone who is willing to meet you halfway that they don't have to go to the trouble—you'll do all the work (or driving or whatever). That's when you start getting in your own way.

So what are your priorities, and do they match? If your priority is to write the great American novel, and you spend your weekends taking on extra work, volunteering because "they need the help" (guess what? Someone else will do it if it really needs doing.), not because you find real fulfillment in the work, you just put other people's priorities (the school carnival, the unpaid take-home) ahead of yours. If your priority is health, and you put off eating better until tomorrow, your priorities don't match. If your priority is a bigger, deeper life, and you spend as much time as possible watching TV and playing computer solitaire, your priorities don't match. Turns out your real priorities are watching TV, playing solitaire, eating junk food, and avoiding the hard work. Is that who you thought you wanted to be?