Forgiveness, part III

Note: (yes, I know, I should just put this over on the side) I am not a therapist, nor a health professional. I am a meditation teacher, Reiki master, and energy worker, and I focus on spiritual blocks. I do know that spiritual shifts/energy shifts can result in physical and emotional healing, but not in all cases (for a variety of reasons). Do not use any of the information I give you as a substitute for consulting with a health professional (physical or mental), social services professional, or law enforcement when appropriate. Re the present topic, it means that yes, if that cute guy you met at that party who offered you a ride home raped you, or the next door neighbor's teenaged daughter killed your dog, call the cops. Forgive, but prosecute.


Okay, where were we?

How do we forgive? And how do we know when we've forgiven? We recognize forgiveness when we realize there's no emotional attachment to the injury.

That is what forgiveness feels like: no emotional attachment. We simply aren't angry any more, or hurt, no matter how hard we try.

Let me just say this: if the wound is raw, you might need to do some other healing before you start on the path to forgiveness. In fact, it's likely that you'll experience the two on alternating days—a little healing leading to a little forgiveness, etc. Healing creates objectivity and the ability to be loving and compassionate (because you have the strength to be vulnerable all over again), and that gives you the strength to forgive, and forgiveness gives you space to breathe. I don't suggest trying to forgive no matter what—I think you have to do it when you're ready: when your brain says "I'm not a victim," and you're almost as mad at yourself for letting it still get to you.

I think there are about three steps to forgiveness—which isn't to say you can just check them off. Sometimes you'll find you need a lot of time (or maybe only a little) for each one, and you'll need meditation, contemplation, prayer, and imagination to do them. Forgiveness is frequently active (sometimes you'll find that you forgave something without even thinking about it, just through other things you're doing. Remember, you recognize it when you realize there is no emotional attachment to the injury. Can't even call your ex a sonofabitch and mean it.) There are other things that masquerade as forgiveness, of course, but it's up to you to decide: I trust you to be working on shifting out of old patterns and into new, or you wouldn't be here.

So here are the basic steps to active forgiveness:

• Realizing that forgiveness is not the same as agreement. Forgiveness stands on its own, and is not something you need to feel guilty about, no matter how heinous the offense or how unrepentant the perpetrator. Got nothing to do with either of them. This is about you healing.

• Realizing that everyone is doing the best they know how to do. Doesn't matter if you think they should have done it differently, should have been more enlightened, should have known you weren't the bad guy, shouldn't have taken out their pain on you. It's important to know that whatever they did wasn't about you—it was about them. Whatever the karma involved, whatever the complicating factors, if your husband beat you, it wasn't because you were a bad wife (even if you were). If your parents tied you to a radiator, it wasn't because you were a uncontrollable hooligan, even if you were (and that was the only way they knew to restrain you and keep you safe). If your mother's new boyfriend raped you when you were 13, it wasn't because you were a tramp. If your dad yelled at you for not cleaning your room, if the bullies at school beat you up for being different (however they defined it), it wasn't because of anything you did – it was because something (and not necessarily you) triggered a core of pain in them, and they were either striking out or walling up to protect themselves. By the way, it's also important to realize that you, too, were and are doing the best you knew how. The process works both ways.

• Letting go. Walk away from it. This is the part that probably takes the most meditation and prayer. Releasing your part (whatever you feel about having "caused" whatever happened) and releasing their part from you (it wasn't about you, it was about them). I admit, this is the part where I feel like the scientist in front of the blackboard where in the middle of the equation appear the words "here, a miracle happens." What I know is that when you practice letting go, eventually it happens.



Practicing letting go Our mind and body are marvelously entangled. We can imagine physical changes into being, and we can use physical sensation and action to create energetic and spiritual change. One of the best physical practices for letting go is this: get quiet. Put on some peaceful music if it helps, but it isn't necessary. Make yourself comfortable and if you want, close your eyes. Bring up a picture of the hurt you're trying to forgive. Don't dwell on it—that can just strengthen the tie, which is NOT the point. Simply hold the picture and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel: anger, hurt, fear, pain. Find the place in your body where that emotion is being held (frequently the chest, which is the seat of grief). You're likely to experience hot and tight as the primary physical sensations—like you're holding back tears, perhaps. Whatever the feeling is and wherever it is, the release is very simple: breathe into this spot. Imagine that the in breath goes directly to this place. On the out breath, relax. Imagine that with each breath out you have a little more room for the breathing. If you need to cry, do. If you're willing, dig a little—what are you feeling NOW? Perhaps over time anger has changed to grief, and you've spent years battling the wrong emotion. Perhaps you've already let go, and were just carrying around the memory. Do this as long as necessary. When you get up, wash your hands and drink some water to help seal off the breaking of those ties. In fact, if it helps, you can imagine ropes around whatever part of your body that hurts, and each breath in and out weakens (and finally breaks) those ties.

The art (and value) of forgiveness, part II

But how does this happen? Well, I can't say, exactly, what triggers complete forgiveness except practice. For me, every act of forgiveness has been a one-off. I can let go of some things--most things--immediately. Deeper wounds exist for all of us, though, unless we've already gone through the process or are somehow blessed beyond the norm. It has been part of our human experience. But the point at which I know I've released it (whatever it is) is when it crosses my mind, and I can't conjure up the pain. The process, to one degree or another, involves giving love and compassion--not just to that person, but to myself, and to others--the nice thing about compassion and love is that feeling them toward one person aids you in feeling them to all.


But .... okay, let's take a really tough example: a child who grew up in foster care under the worst possible circumstances. This was not my experience, so I freely admit I'm imagining how bad it can be. I can also imagine how hard it could be to forgive all the people who may have hurt that child--from the parent who abandoned them, to all the people who weren't there to do what adults are supposed to do (protect, nurture, model, etc), to all the people who WERE there, and the things they did. Wow. How do you forgive that?

I think, perhaps, you start with realizing that forgiveness is NOT the same as saying that what happened was okay, or had a purpose, or was a lesson you asked to learn, or anything like that. You do have to get to a place where you understand that, like it or not, everyone is doing the best they know how to do. Really. But you don't have to agree with their actions, and you certainly don't have to condone them. Nor, as I mentioned earlier, is there any inherent need to confront the person you're trying to forgive, or to try to make them feel better. In fact, maybe part of your process includes a career choice that changes that scenario so it doesn't hurt anyone else.

At its heart, whatever the process includes, forgiveness embraces both selfishness and unselfishness at the same time. Selfish, because forgiveness is about YOU. It's about you moving on, releasing the weight of the pain, giving yourself the opportunity to NOT be a victim. Failing to forgive is all about claiming victimhood. Kind of makes you cringe when you view it that way, doesn't it?

Unselfish, because to do it, you have to embrace compassion and understanding. As you release the weight of the past from you, you're also releasing THEM from it. This may or may not matter—one lesson I learned during a particularly difficult forgiveness process was that the other person may not realize there's anything to forgive. And that's when you realize that the need to confront may be less about forgiveness than it is about ego. If you can let go first of the need to let the other person know you forgive them, that's huge as well. And if that realization brings up anger, go ahead and sit with the anger. Sit with whatever feelings come up. But sit with purpose.



(to be continued with what comes next)

The art of forgiveness, part I

The more I thought about last night's Facebook comment (on the Conscious Sanity page), the more I felt like I needed to expand it. The post was this: Thinking about forgiveness today, and how new people coming into our lives sometimes give us a chance to heal old wounds by allowing us to address situations without the same emotional baggage.

Or, at any rate, we can allow them to. So part of this, perhaps, is the value of meditation, and becoming present in other ways. But back to forgiveness....

If you are used to holding on too tightly, forgiveness can be challenging. Sometimes it can feel like you're being a victim all over again, just thinking about it (a sure sign you haven't forgiven or let go of anything!). Sometimes, something truly horrible happened--even if it was only an instant in time; sometimes it was something that went on for years--and it can feel like forgiveness means, somehow, that the behavior was okay.

None of the above. Forgiveness is an act of compassion toward yourself, as well as the other person. And I think that when we set ourselves on a course of becoming present in our lives, of opening up, that we close down in a hurry when something happens to remind us of how we hurt in the past. So when we feel that we need to figure out this forgiveness thing, it's a sign that we're healing on a deep level, because we're saying it's time to let go of that, too--if we only could figure out how! Too, the things that need forgiven vary widely from person to person--perhaps the act to be forgiven was something like a parent who demanded you choose a particular career. To one person (probably someone who didn't have that demand made), that may not be important. To the person who found their soul's purpose at odds with their life for decades on end, it's huge, and mixed up with a boat load of other emotions, including the need to forgive oneself for "giving in."

Sometimes, forgiving cannot include the words "I forgive you," either because the person is unavailable, or because you just don't want to be face to face with them. I disagree with the premise that you must somehow get the words out (such as in a letter). In fact, I think the words are unnecessary, although if you feel they are absolutely necessary for you, then by all means use them. But forgiving is a release, and I think release is NOT triggered, or completed, by facing down someone you don't want to face. What does trigger or complete it is a simple letting go of the emotional baggage you've been carrying, and turning the energy toward something more useful to you at this time. Certainly the pain and anger were useful to you once, but if you're thinking about it and struggling with how to forgive, you're ready to let go.

To be continued....but for now, consider this: when someone or something comes into your life in the present, do you react as you've always reacted? Or can you take a moment and a step back, and ask yourself if perhaps they're there for your healing?